All Dogs Go To Heaven

Guest Post by a Dog who is a friend of mine. He prefers to stay anonymous.

Man’s Best Friend. Faithful. Loyal. These are just some of the ways dogs have been described.

Not many dogs have undertaken the task of writing about life. It’s important for you – the human – to understand what it is we see in life as dogs. Dogs were designed by God to be special, to be a companion, to love without condition. He also created some of our weirder quirks, like eating our own poop and drinking out of the toilet bowl. Each gift we have also has a drawback, but these things are all meant to teach you, the observant human, how to become better and how to find your place in heaven.

All dogs go to heaven.

Well almost all. There are a few that have either become pure evil or had it bred into them by evil humans. These are the dogs that attack children, that strain against their thick chains to try and kill, and that kill for no reason except for their desire to do so. This constitutes less than 1% of all dogs. Don’t hold this against the other 99%.

The rest of us go to heaven, but it’s not the same as it is for humans. You see, not all humans go to heaven. Oh, there are a lot of them that are “good” but they are judged on a different level than we dogs.

Humans can go to redemptive heaven. If they choose not to go, well they go to another place that I don’t want to even think of. This is the same place a large percentage of cats go to. Cats can’t help it. They were born with a very selfish personality (but not all cats go there).

I wish this wasn’t so. I wish everyone was a dog and could go to dog heaven, but that would mean you would be born without a soul. Having a soul and a choice whether to go to heaven is best in the long run.

You’ll notice dogs don’t hold it against each other if we are different breeds. Some of us are black, some white. Some are big, some are small. Some are handsome while some are downright ugly (but these seem to be the most popular at times). Some stink more than others, and some are stuffy and dignified. It doesn’t matter to us. When we meet, we greet each other with our own “handshake,” (you’ve seen this…we approach each other cautiously and get a good whiff of the other’s butt. It may not always seem like it, but hygiene is very important to us). We can tell a lot about a dog or a person within the first two minutes of meeting them, and we won’t fake it if we don’t like you!

John Wayne had some dog in him. I was watching a John Wayne movie when the following interchange took place.

Cowboy: We’ve been corralling cattle together for ten years, and during that time you’ve hardly spoken to me. 

John Wayne: Yup.

Cowboy: Why is that? Did I do something wrong to you?

John Wayne: Nope. I just don’t like you.

He had nothing to hide. That’s the way we dogs are. We can usually tell the people who are liars and cheats and we just don’t like them.

Having been born without the benefit of an opposable thumb, typing is very difficult for me. I’d like to thank James for transcribing my thoughts and ideas onto the written page.

MORNINGS FOR DOGS

You humans have it easy. All day long you get to make choices about how you use your time, yet I see so many humans waste time. You all get the same 168 hours in a week (dogs have 168×7 hours in a week, but each hour is shorter…it does make it a little easier to manage our time). Choose wisely how you will spend that time.

My owner thinks I have a lot of energy in the morning. He seems to need coffee to get going. What is really happening is that I woke up two hours before him needing to pee and I have been patiently waiting for him to let me out to do my thing. Meanwhile, he is moving at a sloth’s pace getting his coffee ready when I just NEED TO PEE. This happens every morning! Here’s our typical exchange.

Me: Woof! Woof!

Owner: Hey boy. You sure have a lot of energy for it being so early in the morning.

Me: Woof!

Owner: I wish I had that energy. I gotta let this coffee take effect before I can get anything done.

Me: Woof woof woof!

Owner: Yeah boy, I’m excited for the day also.

Me: WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!!!!

Owner; Oh you need to go outside. Sorry about that.

Me: Woof

There are little nuances in those woofs. If you could tell what we were saying, you would realize that this is the actual conversation.

Me: Good morning. Gotta pee!

Owner: Hey boy. You sure have a lot of energy for it being so early in the morning.

Me: Just open the door!

Owner: I wish I had that energy. I gotta let this coffee take effect before I can get anything done.

Me: Forget the coffee, open the door, I’ve gotta pee.

Owner: Yeah boy, I’m excited for the day also.

Me: OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!

Owner; Oh you need to go outside. Sorry about that.

Me: Thank you.

This is why we are known as man’s best friend. Your actual friend would kill you if you did this to him. We take our pee break and then come in and show you gratitude. Those of you with a doggie door, God bless you.

11 THINGS A DOG NEVER COMPLAINS ABOUT

  • Stinky people
  • Stale food and water (we’re grateful to have it)
  • Bad breath
  • Race, gender, nationality, religion (we love everyone as long as they are truthful and kind to us)
  • Long car rides (anytime we get outside is a joy)
  • People petting us
  • Exercise
  • The length of time our owners are gone
  • Messy rooms (filth is another matter)
  • Other pets (as long as they give us space)
  • Table scraps

8 THINGS A DOG CAN’T TOLERATE

  • Cats
  • Abuse
  • Dishonest people
  • Soap and water when mixed together (we love water and for some reason we love to eat things like soap). I know men feel the same way. When you’re hanging out with your significant other at Bath and Body Works, and you take a whiff of the “Mango, tropical, peach drenched sunrise dew” body gel, you KNOW you want to take a sip and drink it down, especially after smelling it)
  • Dog carriers
  • Postmen (they’re messing with our property which we have been called to protect)
  • People not petting us
  • Grooming (there are a few exceptions)

THE BEST INVENTION HUMANS EVER MADE BEFORE SLICED BREAD

Do you know what I think the coolest invention is in the house? The flush toilet. With one simple push of a button, the yellow, stinky urine and brown, disgusting fecal matter are instantly swept away and a nice bowl of cool, fresh water arrives in its place to fulfill the parched sensation on my dry lips. Someone needs to invent one for dogs.

We would be happy to use the same one as you, but if you haven’t noticed, our bodies are shaped differently. It is almost physically impossible for me to sit properly on a human toilet, at least not without needing chiropractic treatment.

Many owners take us on long walks where we can find a spot that hasn’t been pooped on to do our thing. The most conscientious owners pick up the poop afterwards and dispose of it (but not usually in the cool flushing mechanism). These walks are enjoyable and allow us to spend quality time with our owner.

Some owners put up fences in their backyards and let us out to poop in those. This is very convenient. However, we are always trying to find a clear spot. When an owner doesn’t clean up the mess, we find ourselves spreading little snapshots all over the yard to try and avoid going in the same place twice. If it has been several weeks, this becomes increasingly difficult. Please be kind…pick up what we leave behind.

And be more like a Dog.