jamesthedivine@gmail.com – 719-238-4193
You have got to listen to this fantastic interview with Scott Watson!
Scott is an experienced music teacher and composer. Besides his wonderful works like “Aesop’s Fables: The Tortoise and the Hare, Extraordinary Machines of Clockwork and Steam,” and more, Scott has created tons of FREE resources to aid in your teaching. Check out his works and his free materials at www.scottwatsonmusic.com
You walk into a concert hall and are bombarded with crying babies, cell phones ringing, people talking on their cell phones, people playing games, cat calls to band members, and doors opening and closing in the back. It’s frustrating. It’s disrespectful.
Proper concert behavior can and should be taught to the audience and the band members. It’s possible to change the culture. It might take a year or two but it can be done.
I know of directors who have their bands wait backstage while someone else warms them up and brings them on stage for their performance. I prefer to have my students listen to and encourage each other, but they do have to be taught proper concert behavior. Although having a teacher sit with the students can be helpful, I have found the best strategy is to actually practice like you would perform. Go sit in the audience and practice being quiet. Explain it once. Tell students if they don’t get it the first time, you will practice coming to the seats again and again until they learn. Be persistent.
When I taught high school, we never had to go through the procedure more than once. I explained to them my expectations and explained that I felt they were mature enough to understand. I also explained that if on concert day, any of them “forgot” proper concert listening behavior, that those individuals would have to “practice” more (I have always hated group consequences when only a few are guilty). In the 13 years I was at the high school, only once did I have to bring a group of three students in for three-10 minute lunch detentions to “practice” how to be quiet as an audience member. We completed the lunch detentions in the auditorium. The message I sent was talked about for several years after those students graduated.
How to Teach the Audience
You may have an occasion where you have to remind the audience during the concert. You can do this respectfully, i.e. “I know you don’t think your whispering can be heard on stage, but it can and it is disturbing the performers and other audience members.” In extreme cases, you may have to ask someone to leave. The choir teacher at my school has done this once or twice, usually with two teens who will not accept the message about concert etiquette.
You might also consider including something similar to the following in your concert programs…
Audience member responsibilities
Performer responsibilities
*** James Divine is a 25 year veteran teacher and performer of 36 years. He’s a member of the American School Band Director’s Association. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net. Get free jazz music downloads at www.jazzysaxman.com.
Ever since I was in middle school, I have been very fond of old westerns (I guess they weren’t that old when I was in middle school). Much to the chagrin of my teachers, I completed many homework assignments and school projects while watching reruns of Gunsmoke, Bonanza, and Alias Smith and Jones. I have had this knack for being able to tune the tv out while knocking out some deep work. My sister – on the other hand – would be lulled a catatonic state while watching tv. As her mouth opened and the drool started to flow, we would catch it all and water the lawn with it. I still do this (not the drooling). My best “space” top write in is a hotel room with a view with a mindless sitcom playing in the background. I don’t know why this works. I’m not a brain expert – nor do I play one on tv – but there must be some explanation as to why the creative juices get going in that environment (and other juices for my sister).
I really don’t watch much tv (I know that’s hard to believe after that last paragraph), but when I do, I am still drawn to those old westerns, and also the movie length westerns. And if it’s starring John Wayne, that’s all the better partner. I wonder, were there ever cowboys like we see on those shows? And if there were, where have they all gone? I’m sure some easily offended person will think about all the wrong things cowboys did, but I want to focus on a few things they got right!
They Were Strong
The cowboys I enjoyed watching displayed a manly strength that is sorely missing in our culture today. Maybe it’s missing because it is put down, ridiculed, destroyed. It’s not the strength that’s bad, but the abuse of that strength. And maybe too many men in our culture have abused their strength and used it to control others.
The cowboys were not afraid of anything! If there was a noise outside and they were 92% sure it was a grizzly, they went outside anyway. If there were ten bad guys against two and the likelihood of the two coming out alive was small, they went after the bad guys anyway!They did all these things to protect the women and children. My wife’s grandfather could have been a cowboy. He tied his own tourniquet after suffering from an amputation due to a farming accident.
When cowboys had an opportunity to inflict revenge on someone who had hurt them, they restrained themselves.
They Were Honest
I remember watching one John Wayne movie when the following dialogue took place (I can’t remember their names, so they are made up – I can barely remember all my grandkids names – but before you judge, number 10 is on the way.
Jacob: John, what do you have against me?
John: I don’t have nothing against you Jacob.
Jacob: Well we’ve been running cattle together for ten years in this here outfit, yet you never talk to me.
John: I don’t have nothing against you, I just don’t like you.
‘Why can’t we be like that. There is so much pretending and finagling. It’s ok to not like someone. It’s not ok to discriminate against them, but not liking is fine. If you harbor hate, that’s a different story.
Little kids and dogs are more like the cowboys in this regard.
They Had Superpowers
If God were to grant me one wish, I wouldn’t wish for good looks (he has already blessed me with those), I wouldn’t wish for money, I wouldn’t wish for wisdom. I’d wish for cowboy superpowers.
Whenever it is handy, a cowboy can just sneak up on someone, and deliver a sharp blow from the handle of his pistol to the shoulder/base of the neck, instantly knocking a bad guy out cold. Think about the MANY uses of this skill.
I teach middle school (no further description necessary)…
The guy who just won’t stop talking even when he’s been asked several times to quit…
The person with their cell phone out in the theater…
The husband being rude to his wife…
Maybe it’s good that God doesn’t give me this superpower!
They Cared For Their Animals
You could abuse a guy with your words all day long, but do something to his horse or dog and you would feel the wrath. At the very minimum, you’d get a pistol grip to the base of your neck.
They Stood On Principle
No matter the cost in their own life or property, they always did the right thing. Whether it was paying their bills, protecting the underdog, and especially protecting their own wife and kids. They were willing to die for truth and justice and for their friends.*
Sometimes They Just Had to Duke It Out
Cowboys were rarely offended by anything, but occasionally something would really irk them, and they and their friend or coworker simply needed to duke it out for a little while. They didn’t want to kill each other, they just needed to get the anger out and in the open. A fist fight would usually resolve the problem and leave the two as life long friends. I don’t recommend this as a way to resolve conflict, but perhaps seeing how they handles conflict can help us see that we may need to share our true feelings at times, get everything out in the open, and then regroup and renew the friendship
James is a middle school band teacher, musician, author, speaker, husband, dad, and grandad. His wife accuses him of wanting to be a cowboy, and in fact he does. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net. Get his music for free at www.jazzysaxman.com.
*The greatest leader who ever lived – Jesus Christ – said that there is no greater love than that a man lay down his life for his friends. In fact, that’s what Jesus himself did, but much more than just to save our physical lives. His death enabled us to be saved spiritually from eternal death if we believe in Him.
Have you ever had a teacher say or do something that had a huge impact on you for your entire life? I have had many of these opportunities.
Some teachers affect you in a negative way. I’ve had my share of those. Most of my teachers had huge, positive impacts on my life. My seventh grade band teacher was one of them.
I went to a rough school in seventh grade. Remember tube socks from the 70s? On the last day of school, it was not unusual to have some of the teens in the neighborhood surround the school bus – tube socks in hand – but with the addition of a large rock in the bottom of the tube sock. These teens would swing their rock-filled tube socks with the expertise of David swinging his slingshot at Goliath – except instead of using their rock to slay evil, they were intent on causing evil by smashing the windows of the school bus. I was a terrified 13 year old about to wet my pants.
Within the school I felt very safe. We were kept safe by a group of three security guards who were very tall – they seemed like Goliath to me in the heights they reached – and well-muscled – but the friendliest giants you ever knew! They made me feel safe. They developed relationships with students. I had my share of getting in trouble in seventh grade, but these giants loved me all the same…as did my band teacher.
The band teacher played saxophone like me. I can still see his face. I remember his encouragement as I learned saxophone for the first time. I remember his praise – his gentleness – his push for high standards – not just musically but morally too. I even remember when he lost his temper at the drummers one day, flung his conductor’s baton at them, only to have it bounce off the bass drum and come back and hit him in the head. We all had a good laugh, including him. I can’t for the life of me remember his name.
One day we were taking a trip to a local music festival where we would perform, receive feedback, and listen to others perform. Those of you who took band may remember this event as Large Group Festival. As our teacher prepared us, he reminded us that we were stopping for lunch and we should bring some money. He informed us that if we forgot our money, he would be glad to loan us some, but we would have to repay it. Then he said something I’ve remembered my whole life…”And if you don’t pay me back, that’s ok. It’s worth a couple of dollars for me to find out I can’t trust you.”
That teacher’s trust meant a lot to me – and it taught me an important lesson. Trust everyone unless they show you they can’t be trusted. Thank you Mister!
I spent 1986-1996 in the Army Band. It was a great learning experience for me. I got to spend three of those years in Japan, serving my country as a saxophonist touring Japan.
After a while, I knew army life was not for me. I knew I needed a change. My wife and I discussed it a lot and were 90% sure that I would leave the army. I value the advice and input from others, so I asked a lot of people about their thoughts. I started with…
My 5 foot tall, round, Italian mama
Jeemy (she called me Jimmy but it came out sounding like Gee-me). Iffa you getta outa da Armee, you maka a bigga mistaka! You family, shes a gonna starva. You kids, dey gonna die-a. You willa never, never, never, never, never, never, succeed-a ina anything you do. I begga you, no maka dis mistaka!!!!!
A half dozen people who had gotten out of the Army after three years
James, I wish I had never gotten out of the army. Life has been one struggle after another. I have kept getting low paying jobs. If I had stayed in, at least I would have my pension now. If you get out of the army, you are making a big mistake. You will have a hard time succeeding. Your family will struggle. And think about the free health care. What if someone in your family gets sick? I implore you, don’t make the same mistake I made.
A half dozen people who had stayed for 20 years and were now drawing retirement pay
James, I wish I had gotten out of the army when I was young. Yes, I’m drawing a pension now, but I am so far behind others who started in their careers long before me. I strongly urge you to get out NOW and start your new career.
But there was one piece of advice that was completely different…
Kirk Wilcox, college professor, friend, and mentor
Like a true teacher, Kirk didn’t give me any answers directly. My question for everyone had been, “Should I stay in the army or get out.” Through thoughtful questions and targeted feedback, he got me to think for myself, to decide what the right decision was for me. He pointed out that all the others had ulterior motives – often informed by regrets they had in their own lives. With his guidance, I came to my own conclusion that I needed to get out of the army. And I learned a few things along the way…
Ask advice, but realize it may be biased. Ultimately, you have to come to your own conclusion. Parents, friends, and family members often will lean towards what’s “safe,” but safety is not the ultimate goal we should strive for.
Be careful about making decisions based on fear. Mom’s advice – and those who regretted getting out of the army, was very fear based. Fear will often cloud your thinking.
Don’t “follow your heart.” Your heart – which is your emotions expressed in a different way – can be one consideration, but it shouldn’t be everything. What if I followed my heart to be an NBA superstar? I stink at basketball – always have – and although practice would help me be better, it would never get me to NBA status.
It’s NOT “better to be safe than sorry.” The safe decision would have been to stay in the army. There is so much I would have missed had I done that! Have I ever regretted getting out? Almost never (I say almost because there were a few times when finances were tight and I thought I may have been better off.) But with 26 years hindsight, I can say I have no regrets about that decision.
I was younger then and knew less about seeking advice than I do today. Now I have more mentors that are like Kirk, mentors who make me think and dig deep. Surround yourself with great mentors and friends who will steer you in the best decision for you.
*** James Divine is an educator, public speaker, and course creator. Find out more about his speaking at www.jamesdivine.net and more about his music at www.jazzysaxman.com.
Have you ever looked into a software management system for your band, one that can help you track inventory, budgets, uniforms, finances, lockers, ensemble lists and more?
If so, you know how expensive it can be.
Husband and wife team Jennifer (band teacher) and Kris (software developer) have joined forces to create an inexpensive solution for you.
Their Baton Sync software is just $20 per month (that’s total, not per student). And it’s been tested with Jennifer’s bands.
Get a free trial and find out more at www.batonsync.com
Listen to more podcasts here: https://www.jamesdivine.net/podcast/
The story I shared at The Story Project a couple of years ago. It aired on KRCC in Colorado Springs. This is my recording of that public airing so forgive the poor sound quality.
I share funny stories of growing up Italian, including:
Get my book I Cannoli Imagine at amazon. I’d love to share these stories with YOU live! Contact Me.
You’re going to be gone from school, there are no music subs (or sometimes no subs at all), and you don’t want to leave the students with a written assignment. What do you do? Try the Student Led Rehearsal.
I wish I had originally came up with this idea, but like much of what we use in music it was stolen – I mean borrowed – and I don’t know who to give credit to. I saw this technique demonstrated at a Midwest clinic with a college band. I have used it effectively with high school and middle school students.
It’s not a technique you can just pull out of a hat the day before you take a day off. It’s a technique you train your students in. Several training days will be needed before it can be effectively implemented without you. Once you have trained them, use the technique a couple of times a month – with you present. It helps the students take ownership of the music!
Step 1 – Designate a Leader
This won’t be a leader in the traditional sense of someone conducting, but his/her role is important nonetheless. Designate and train several leaders. You never know when they will be gone. The leader’s job will be to…
Step 2 – When the band stops playing
When the students are properly trained, this is an excellent technique that will allow them to get valuable rehearsal time without a music sub! Is it as effective as having you there? No, but it’s about 80% effective. I have shared it with my own groups in both a suburban high school and urban middle school. I’ve also shared it at Tri-M day at my state conference and would be happy to share it with your group of students at a conference.
*** James currently teaches middle school band at a Title 1 school. He has taught high school band and started his career as the 4-12 band teacher at a small private school. Prior to that he spent 10 years in the Army Band. James is available to speak at your music conference. He shares his own journey of abuse and forgiveness in his keynote speech, Teachers: You Saved My Life. He is also the author of The Saxophone Diaries: Stories and tips from my 30+ years in music. Find out more and reach him at www.jamesdivine.net
I am proud to be 50% Italian, 40% German, and the rest a hodgepodge of other nationalities that make me the terrific person I am, but ultimately I’m 100% American!
My mom – a full blooded Italian Neapolitan (someone from Naples, Italy) – came to America in 1965 to marry an American and enjoy her own slice of the American dream. She came from a dirt poor Italian family. Since she was the oldest girl in a family of nine kids, she had to drop out of school after the first grade to help out her family. In her teens she had worked for many American families. She was loved and appreciated by them and they treated her well. She thought America was a land flowing with milk and honey.
Through a friend of a friend of a friend, she found out my father – recently widowed – was looking for a wife. He had heard that Italian women were great with children, excellent cooks, and extremely good-looking. Who can ever resist an Italian? Through fate – or stupidity – or perhaps both, they married and thus began my mom’s journey to America.
Financially, the dream was way more than she imagined! A nice home in the suburbs of Long Island, a television set, a vehicle, plenty of food, and even some money left over. She was blessed with two great looking, intelligent, outstanding, humble kids. Relationally, the dream left a lot to be desired. Father was abusive physically – at a time when many in our society chose to look the other way.
When I was 5, we left him for good and moved to Italy, where we were homeless. Not living under a bridge homeless, but shuffling from relative to relative every few months, occasionally having a place of our own (sans electricity), but mostly living with other people. Two years later we moved back to the United States, this time to Norfolk, Virginia.
Mom eked out a living with a combination of welfare and cleaning people’s houses. When sis and I complained about school, Mom would get a real serious look on her face and give us a passionate pep talk in her adorable Italian accent.
“Jeemy” she would say, (everybody called me Jimmy growing up, but my Italian relatives called me Jeemy).
“Jeemy. Di only-a tinga I ever-a wanta growin uppa was-a to go-a to school-a. Now-a you-a be tankful dat you canna go-a to school-a. No more-a complain-a.” That importance of school sunk in to the deepest part of my brain. Although there were other times I complained, I learned to be thankful for the chance to go to school.
Jeemy grew up and became James. I joined the Army, got married, and started having kids. Mom became Nonna – the Italian word for grandmother. I took one or two college classes every chance I had, earning my associate’s degree and then my bachelor’s degree while in the Army. It took me about 14 years. I became the first person in my family to earn a college degree. Eventually I also earned my master’s degree at the age of 45. I was accepted into a doctoral program, but decided I’d rather save my money and start putting that effort into the many projects I had on hold during my younger days. Was earning the degrees difficult? Yes! Were they worth it? Yes! And I have my mom to thank for all her encouragement about the importance of school (mom passed away in 2021 at the age of 77).
One of my kids – when he was an underclassman – decided he wanted to be a lawyer. He didn’t want to just go to any law school, he wanted to go to Yale. He took a year off after earning his bachelor’s degree to work and study for the Law School Admissions Test (LSAT). By this time he was married and a father to a baby girl. He made many sacrifices, often choosing not to go to fun family events so he could study for the LSAT. He scored in the 99th percentile and was accepted into Yale Law School. He graduated and is a success in his field!
America has its flaws. Every country does. But is there anywhere else in the world where the grandson of a poor, uneducated immigrant can graduate from Yale Law School? We are the land of opportunity. Take advantage of it!
James is a public school music teacher. He is thankful for the education he has been able to receive. His education is not finished yet. He learns something new everyday and will continue to learn until the day he dies. James is the author of 5 books, including I Cannoli Imagine: My Italian Life, in which he shares many funny stories about growing up with an Italian mom. James is available to share his inspirational message with your group. In Your Now Doesn’t Determine Your Future he shares his own personal journey of overcoming adversity and helping others to do the same. Check out his web page at www.jamesdivine.net. Special thanks to Zia Rosaria for being the inspiration for this article!!
Do you remember the old Four Seasons song Big Girls Don’t Cry? Well they DO cry, and so do boys!
I grew up in the era where MOST of the men in my life would tell me to “Stop Crying”. “Men don’t cry,” they would lament. They were wrong!
I don’t hold anything against those men of influence. After all, they were part of what we call The Greatest Generation. Many experienced the Great Depression. Many of that era gave up their lives so we could enjoy our freedoms! Thank you!
Barbara Walters – when interviewing General Schwarzkopf – said surely Generals don’t cry, do they. The General answered, “Sure they do.” Strong men cry. They are not afraid to cry. But I was, until I turned 30 years old.
That’s when I finally embraced who I was, who God made me to be. I was created with the gift of music. It’s a gift I have been blessed to use in my career for 35 years now. And what makes me great at music is that I have a high emotional IQ. Some would call it an EQ (emotional quotient). It makes me great at music. It makes me great at “reading” people and feeling what they feel. It helps make me a compassionate teacher. It makes me too sensitive at times, caring too much what people think of me (yes, there’s a downside).
If I were to place crying on a scale of 1-10, many of those men who mentored me as I grew up would be a 1. I’m probably an 8. My family likes to make fun of me – in a good natured way – because I cry so easily while watching movies; I cry when I get to see my grandkids; I cry when it’s time to leave the grandkids; I (almost) cry when I eat truly delicious, wood-fired, Italian style pizza! My “grandfather” was the same way. Here’s what he thinks about pizza as it relates to love.
So it’s ok for grown men to cry! You’re in good company with the General, President Clinton, President Obama, and the Creator of the Universe Jesus Christ Himself.
Emotions are great. Crying is great. Just be careful not to let those emotions guide your decision making. Emotions can’t be trusted.
*** James Divine can be found crying over episodes of America’s Got Talent with his wife of 35+ years. He is also the author of Jimmy – A True Story of Abuse, Poverty, Forgiveness and Redemption about his childhood and victory over the terrible things he experienced. Most of his tears these days are joyful ones. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net.
I had a wonderful 9th grade social studies teacher. She taught us how to think.
I attended a school that had kids from all over the world! We had white kids, black kids, Filipino kids, Vietnamese kids, Hispanic kids – and those are just the ones I can remember. When it came time to study world religions, the teacher had us examine the main tenets of each. There were students represented from each of the major religions we studied – Christian, Jewish, Muslim – and we were encouraged to share, to ask questions, to disagree, to agree, to debate. We were not allowed to demean or ridicule or be disrespectful. Did the discussions start to lean that way at times? Of course, we were 14 and 15 year olds. But the teacher – as leader of the class – steered us back to being appropriate.
This teacher made class so much fun. We often had a cultural exchange day. Students would bring food that represented their families, their cultures. The food was delicious. I am on a quest to find lumpia that tastes as good as what my classmates brought. She often questioned us, examined the merits of our discussion and caused us to go beyond “this is how I feel” to the “why” of what we were studying.
The funny thing is…I never knew what she believed!
I could speculate and guess. But it would only be a guess. She wasn’t out to teach us a certain ideology. She was out to teach us HOW TO THINK! For ourselves.
My 8th grade physical sciences teacher taught us about evolution. Towards the end of the unit, he pulled out a bible. He made sure we knew the only reason he was doing that was because he was “required by law to teach you about creation.” He made sure we knew that he thought “this is a bunch of nonsense.” He asked. “Is there anyone who believes in this idiocy?” My hand timidly went up. He proceeded to ridicule me in front of the entire class. He stated that only an idiot would believe such a thing as the universe being created.
Needless to say, I did not feel welcomed in that class after that. I was not engaged. I did not have a desire to learn what he was teaching.
The difference between the two teachers? One got me thinking, encouraged me to challenge my own way of seeing the world, and encouraged question and debate. The other was more interested in getting students to believe like he did.
Thanks to the first teacher mentioned, I dug deep into the why of what I believe about creation. I studied materials from both sides. And although there’s no way in this life to prove the universe was created, I’m proud to say I’m still an “idiot”.
Let’s all be more like my social studies teacher.
***James is a middle school teacher, husband, and grandfather. He is the author of Jimmy: A True Story of Abuse, Poverty, Forgiveness and Redemption. Order it on amazon. Check out my Speaking Page.
From 2nd through 7th grades, I was bullied by other boys. Mom felt it was always wrong to fight. She would quote Jesus’ admonition to turn the other cheek. Later I realized that verse describes a time when someone insults you. Even Jesus overturned the moneychanger’s tables, and sometimes boys have to defend themselves.
One day, a bully who was always tormenting me did so again. In a rage, I grabbed the front of his shirt, slammed him against the wall and demanded that he leave me alone. It worked! I realized I was bigger than most of the other boys. This bully told everyone that I beat him up and he left me alone. Very rarely was I bullied after that.
For a very short time, I became a bully myself. I sure enjoyed throwing power around and instilling fear in others. It only took me a few months to realize how wrong these actions were; they were not consistent with my desire to follow the example of Jesus Christ so I quit being a bully. I’m not proud of my actions during that time.
One boy I bullied – who looked a lot like what a 7th grade Bill Gates might have looked like – saw me and started to run away as usual. I was running after him yelling, “Wait, I want to be your friend.” He must have thought I was crazy. He did finally stop. When he did, I apologized for bullying him, became his friend and started defending him against other bullies. You can’t make things like this up!
The kids I hung out with started smoking pot when their parents weren’t around. Although I never smoked it, I was often around when they did. I knew that was somewhere I didn’t want or need to be, so when they would plan their parties, I told them I had to check with my mom. I never did check with her, but I told them that she would not allow me to go.
God in His grace and mercy was watching out for me. We moved a few miles away to a better apartment and different school. I found a new circle of friends who were not into pot. Life started on an upward trend again for me. Sometimes you just need a change.
***James is a middle school teacher and motivational speaker. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net. This is an excerpt from his book (available on amazon), Sad Boy, Joyful Man: Your NOW Doesn’t Determine Your FUTURE.
I’ve spent 35+ years working in the field of music,, yet in sixth grade I almost didn’t join band! The choices were to go to choir, drama, art, band or to stay in the room and read. I love reading, so I decided to stay in the room. After about a week of this, it grew boring. My band friends talked about how much fun band was, so I decided to give it a try.
I met the director, Mr. Derrio. He looked at me – looked at my mouth and said, “You look like a clarinet player.” Even as a professional musician and having taught band for many years, I am not sure if he could really tell, if all he had left were clarinets, or if he needed clarinet players.
Playing the clarinet was something I had a natural talent for. I practiced regularly. I had a passion for playing, I looked forward to it, it helped my confidence. Not having a dad around made me somewhat of a mama’s boy. I wasn’t very skilled at sports. I didn’t know much about outdoor activities like hunting, fishing, camping and shooting.
I can look back now and realize that I was more gifted emotionally than the average person. Most people in the arts are gifted in the same way. This gifting makes us more sensitive and caring. It also allows us to be hurt by people more easily. The result for me was a lot of bullying and teasing in school.
Mr. Derrio had a huge impact in making music important to me. He was kind and patient and excited about music. He always had a funny comment or joke about the music. He never raised his voice or yelled.
Band was the highlight of my day. About April of that year, Mr. Derrio had a heart attack and was gone from school for quite awhile. We had a substitute who had retired long ago. I’m sure he tried his best, but he just did not have the energy to keep up with a group of 6th graders, and we pushed the limits daily in his class.
Mr. Derrio came to visit one day and was wearing sunglasses to hide his tears. Almost all men were like that in the 70s; men did not cry. I don’t know how many times I was told by the men in my life to quit crying and act like a man. It wasn’t until I was about thirty that I felt comfortable expressing my emotions.
***James is a middle school teacher and motivational speaker. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net. This is an excerpt from his book (available on amazon), Sad Boy, Joyful Man: Your NOW Doesn’t Determine Your FUTURE.
There was an emptiness inside of me, a longing, a desire to connect with a Dad. I had a mom who loved me and would do anything for me, but I still felt empty.
My mom was best friends with a lady named Gene. Gene was married to George, who was in the US Navy stationed there in Naples. At the time, mom was living with a man named Sonny who was also in the navy. We all lived in a high rise apartment building. Although Sonny was nice to me, he didn’t seem to have the emotional wherewithal to fill the need for a daddy that was deep within my soul.
Gene and George had three kids. The oldest was a boy my age, also named George; the middle child was a girl named Karen who was my sister’s age; the youngest was named Chris. He was just a baby at the time. George would often watch all five of us kids while my mom and Gene went shopping and hung out.
George loved me. I loved George. He listened. He played with me. He gave me words of encouragement and unconditional love. He was the father figure I was looking for in my life. He filled a need that nobody else seemed to be able to fill in my life.
One time while he was babysitting, an argument broke out amongst us kids, one of those petty ones that nobody can remember the reason for. Just like you might have with a sibling several times a day.
George decided to get to the bottom of the story. He said he would be talking to each of us individually. I was first.
I hated to be in trouble. I was afraid of authority. I always did what I was told and rarely misbehaved. The tears were streaming down my face as I proclaimed my innocence. The other kids were pounding on the bathroom door saying “Jimmy didn’t do ‘nothin.”
George embraced me. He told me he knew I was innocent. He just wanted to talk to me to get the real story because he knew I would tell the truth. He wiped the tears from my eyes. I began to calm down and be able to breathe again.
George then removed my pants and raped me on that cold, hard, bathroom floor. A six year old boy! An innocent six year old boy. An innocent six year old boy who loved George as a father. He stole my innocence. He stole my joy. He stole my childhood. Tore it all into shreds.
There was the physical pain. That hurt enough in itself, but that isn’t the worst of it. Physical pain heals and goes away. The emotional pain remained and took over 40 years to completely work through.
I felt torn physically and emotionally. I still loved and admired George, but he had committed this terrible act. I felt shame. I felt like I was the one who had done something wrong. I felt betrayed. None of what was happening made sense in my six-year old mind, and none of it makes sense to me today.
After the horrible act, George tried to comfort me with words. He confessed that he was a sick man. He apologized and asked me to forgive him. I did! Six year olds are very forgiving.
He cleaned me up and we went back to the living room. The other kids were all asking if I was ok. George answered for me and said I had been upset but everything was fine now. All of us kids continued to play as if nothing happened. The sun went down like normal. Mom came to pick us up like normal. We went back to our place like normal.
But nothing was normal ever again!
The seed of this horrible deed was planted into my spirit. That seed was to grow and reap many undesirable mindsets later. For the time being I was a six-year old boy with a secret, but life went on.
I don’t know why I didn’t share this painful memory until I was sixteen. I attribute it to the shame you feel when something like this happens. I attribute it to the trust I had in this man.
I looked up to him and craved his attention. Each time he told me “this is the last time this will happen.” Each time I believed him. I can remember the first and last time clearly. The dozens of instances over the next 2-3 years are a blur.
The last time was after we had moved back to Virginia. George had come to my family’s church one Sunday morning and invited me to spend the afternoon with him. I declined, but he was insistent and whispered in my ear not to worry, nothing was going to happen.
It DID happen, and that eight-year old boy who was full of trust learned not to trust people. It took me forty years to get over that lack of trust.
***James is a middle school teacher and motivational speaker. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net. This is an excerpt from his book (available on amazon), Sad Boy, Joyful Man: Your NOW Doesn’t Determine Your FUTURE.
I didn’t understand we were homeless.
It wasn’t the “live on the streets in a box” homeless. We lived with relatives. We lived with friends. Italians are great at putting together a makeshift bed to bring in extra people. We had our own apartment for a time – but we could not afford electricity, so candles lit the way for us.
We lived in at least 5 different places during the two years in Italy. For a five-year-old boy it was an adventure. For a single mom, it was depressing.
One of my aunts lived in a 2 room farmhouse that was built many years ago. We would walk to it. To access it, we went through a gate and across a field full of sheep. Cool stuff for a kid.
Indoor plumbing had been brought to this house after it was built, probably many years after. Possibly to save money, water was only brought to the kitchen area. The toilet was right next to the stove! The only thing that separated you from others in the room was a shower curtain. My aunt would be cooking meatballs while I was sitting on the pot doing my business. Not a great mixture of smells.
All my aunts and uncles treated me kindly. A couple of my uncles were a little gruff, but nothing that scared me as a kid. Uncle Salvatore helped instill a love of music in me at an early age. He played the guitar at family gatherings.
I had Italian and American friends. I learned to speak Italian without even trying. I got to eat lots of good Italian food and there was plenty of it. We were poor, but I never had to go hungry. In Italy everyone claims to make the BEST meatballs. After you try them, you realize that they are all telling the truth!
Mom taught me another lesson about racism – through her actions rather than through words.
She had a guy friend over for dinner. He made a prejudicial comment about black people. My mom kicked him out in an instant. He was trying to apologize and make amends. She told him in no uncertain words to get out and never come back.
Overall life in Italy was fun and an adventure for me. There was one terrible secret that impacted me for the rest of my life.
***James is a middle school teacher and motivational speaker. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net. This is an excerpt from his book (available on amazon), Sad Boy, Joyful Man: Your NOW Doesn’t Determine Your FUTURE.
The bright spot for me was when I started Kindergarten.
The first day was pretty scary, as it is for all children starting school. I recall two of the most wonderful, compassionate teachers in the world who made me feel at home right away. I looked forward to school! We even had a snack time with cookies and milk every day. For a successful school you need love, chocolate chip cookies, and milk. The rest are just extras.
I started Kindergarten in 1971. There were still pockets of discrimination despite the Supreme Courts’ Brown vs. Board of Education decision. I had a black friend who lived near me. I asked my mom why he didn’t go to the same Kindergarten as me, and she said it was because there were evil people in the world who discriminated against black people.
I simply could not fathom anyone doing that. I am thankful that I had a mom who taught me that discrimination is wrong.
In May of 1972, my last month of Kindergarten, we left for good. We moved to Italy, leaving everything behind, all our toys and clothes, and flew to Naples, Italy where mom is from.
I have many wonderful memories of this time in Italy. When you are just five years old, you don’t understand everything that is going on.
***James is a middle school teacher and motivational speaker. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net. This is an excerpt from his book (available on amazon), Sad Boy, Joyful Man: Your NOW Doesn’t Determine Your FUTURE.
On September 27, 1966, I arrived, a blank slate, ready to be filled with knowledge and take on the world. Most of us start that way. I knew how to eat, sleep, cry, and poop. That was it! My father was American and my mom was from Naples, Italy.
I have some great memories of my early life…
There was a neighborhood convenience store next door. The proprietor was a very friendly man. If we sang a song for him, he would give us each a piece of small, football-shaped chocolate. He is one of the many people in life who were a positive influence just by his kindness and character.
I didn’t like my father. He beat and abused my mom. I was witness to that and felt helpless as a little boy. It made me sad. It made me confused.
Mom tells the story of my father sitting me on his lap one winter and asking me if I loved him.
I answered “No.”
When he asked why, my answer was “because you hurt Mommy.”
He told me Santa Claus wouldn’t bring me anything. I was fine with that.
Then he sat my sister on his lap and asked her the same thing.
She also answered “no” until he told her Santa wouldn’t bring her anything, and then sis said, “I love you, Daddy.” I always thought she should have been an actress.
I was scared to death of my father!
Many nights, I laid in bed wide-awake listening to her screams and his verbal and physical abuse.
I was scared to death of my father!
It was terrible how society dealt with spousal abuse in the 1960s and 1970s. The police were frequently called and showed up at our house. However, they informed my mom there was nothing they could do since he was her husband.
My mom once trudged through the snow to her priest after receiving a beating. She was bloodied, bruised, and in her nightclothes. The priest slammed the door in her face.
These individuals lacked bravery. It doesn’t mean all police and priests are bad. We must – all of us – be willing to be brave when we see injustice.
Mom would take my sister and me to escape the abuse and stay with friends for a short time, but we always ended up back with my father. He would show up at the home of the family we were staying with, sometimes threaten them and my mom, and beg her to come back. The families lacked bravery and asked us to leave.
Even as a small child, I learned to choke down my feelings, anger and hurt and store them inside my heart. All those feelings and hurts will come back up if not dealt with.
***James is a middle school teacher and motivational speaker. Find out more about him at www.jamesdivine.net. This is an excerpt from his book (available on amazon), Sad Boy, Joyful Man: Your NOW Doesn’t Determine Your FUTURE.
I had zero confidence as a young man. I mistakenly thought I had to always be dating someone, when what I really needed to do was work on myself.
When the girl I was dating would break up with me, I always wanted to know why. I should have just let them go, but I always pushed the issue.
“Why are you breaking up with me?” I would ask.
The answer was usually “You’re boring.”
This comment hurt so much! I know now I shouldn’t have let it hurt me, but I did. This bothered me all the way to my early 40s? By then I had acquired some wisdom, knowledge, and experience – and my confidence was much improved.
When girls would tell me I was boring, what they really meant was, “You don’t have all the drama surrounding you that other guys have.” These “non-boring” guys seemed to lead girls around by a string, toying with their emotions and feelings and not caring if they caused pain. It was all about how they – the boy – felt.
At age 40, I decided that I liked boring.
Don’t get me wrong. I in no way think that I am boring.
But if these are the definitions of boring…
…then count me in as boring! Many of those “exciting” boys from high school have left broken families in their wake of pursuing what they want.
THANK GOD I’M BORING!
Some of my teachers played a big role in my life. A great ancient Hebrew named James had this to say about teaching…
“Don’t be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards.”
Here are some good and not so good teachers in my life.
Teachers, you have a tremendous amount of responsibility. You can make or break your students’ day.
***James is a Title 1 middle school teacher and author of Forgive: One man’s story of being molested…and God’s redemption in which he shares how important teachers were to his life. He is also available to share to groups of teachers his story and why they are important. Reach him here.
Get his free training 7 Tips To Save 5 Hours This Week and Every Week. Find out more about James at www.jamesdivine.net.
Some of my teachers played a big role in my life. A great ancient Hebrew named James had this to say about teaching…
“Don’t be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards.”
Here are some good and not so good teachers in my life.
Teachers, you have a tremendous amount of responsibility. You can make or break your students’ day.
***James is a Title 1 middle school teacher and author of Forgive: One man’s story of being molested…and God’s redemption in which he shares how important teachers were to his life. He is also available to share to groups of teachers his story and why they are important. Reach him here.
Get his free training 7 Tips To Save 5 Hours This Week and Every Week. Find out more about James at www.jamesdivine.net.